What went wrong?

I know I've sadly neglected this blog (and haven't read any others in ages -- will remedy that soon!).

I'm still recovering from my trip that was good, bad, confusing, guilt-ridden, joyful, tense, scary, exhilarating, tearful, fun, restful and exhausting (physically and emotionally), all rolled into one.

Can a simple change of scene bring about a drastic change in personality? I can count the number of times I've cried or yelled at someone since I moved to Tokyo on one hand (in fact I don't think I've yelled at anybody. . . I just stew inside). But when I was in Sri Lanka, I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself. . . I'd be talking about something, get slightly emotional, and the waterworks would start (I cry when I'm really angry which is very frustrating). I yelled and screamed, threw tantrums, swore and acted like a diva.

I had a great deal of control over how this trip went, and how much my parents and I enjoyed my stay there -- but I just felt like a puppet in the hands of an evil version of myself. I tried to explain to my parents why I am just a Christian and not a Catholic like them or any particular denomination, but I was constantly conscious of how unChristian my behaviour was. I tried to point out to them how wrong some of their attitudes towards their lives were, but felt completely unqualified when my outlook didn't seem any better.

I'm back in Tokyo now, feeling stragely detached, as if I'm remembering someone else's memories, and devoid of emotions, as if I used up all my quota during my trip, and now have none left over. And I'm wondering who I really am . . . the person I was on this trip or the relatively nice, relatively cheerful person I seem to be here?