Whatever I expected from my return to London, it was not this. When I planned to stop here on my way to Tokyo, I expected a sense of homecoming, a feeling of relief and lightness after the frustration of life in New York. I expected to walk along the Thames, with my head thrown back taking deep breaths of London air, elated at being back in the only place that I had ever loved for itself. I did feel that way--for about one day.
I realized pretty quickly how much I had forgotten (or buried) about the time I lived here. It's true. . . we do start to see past experiences with rose-tinted glasses as time moves forward. But after being here for a day, the emotions of that time--both good and bad--came rushing back. London was where I formed some of my best memories, and my worst. It was where I was the happiest and where I felt the most alone. It was where I loved the most and with the greatest intensity, and where I experienced the greatest loss.
On my first day back, I basked in my pleasant memories, in the familiarity of everything I had expected. But as time wore on, the pain slowly crept back in. At first the familiar sights, sounds, smells seemed to welcome me back. But soon, that changed. At one point when I was living here, everything I looked at, smelled and tasted was tinged with utter misery and darkness. In the past few days, as I began to absorb my surroundings, that feeling returned--although to a lesser degree. And I realized that, while many of the memories have faded into the distant past and the feelings definitely long gone, the pain hadn't completely disappeared. I had peeled off the bandage too fast, expecting the wound to have healed completely, only to find festering remnants that I had just made worse.
It has been a strange few days. The night I missed the last train back to my cousin's, and spent the night wandering around Central London and shivering on the stairs outside Waterloo Station, didn't help. The return of an overload of pain-inducing stimuli didn't help. And the feeling of being suspended between the end of one life and the beginning of another didn't help.
Strangely enough, I don't feel a yearning to leave. . . I have enough good memories and people I love here to keep that at bay. All the same, I don't think I'll be returning to my beloved London anytime soon. . .
The ramblings of 27-year-old girl/woman, a journo by training and by inclination, in Tokyo since May 4, 2007.
"But thou, O LORD, art a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." Psalm 3:3
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5 comments:
An interesting set of observations. My guess is that it's probably not just London. I'd imagine that you'd feel the same upon returning to New York (or any other city that's in constant transition). I've had similar feelings in just about every place that I've returned to, particularly those that seemed somewhat magical the first time around. You see things through more mature eyes, priorities change, and sometimes the emotions change with them. Keep your memories, but also continue moving forward.
Yes, I think we want the places we love to give us everything, just the way we often want that from the people we love.
In any case, I hope Japan gives you not "everything" (for it won't) but something that is good and true and right for you at this time in your life.
Good post, Nix, although perhaps difficult to write.
I'm not going to post anything more here but am going to insist we chat abt this when I see you online next.
Hope you're well. Good bye NY. Good bye London. Welcome, Tokyo, how are you?
Put your best foot forward. Caveboy.
When you missed the last train, why didn't you think of taking the night bus? that would have made you feel a little better about london. to be frank, I have lived here for many years but i still dont feel at home.
Hope you have had a safe journey to Tokyo and that your accommodation is comfortable. S
Outlaw, LL, perhaps I did have too high expectations of London. Or perhaps I had too high expectations of myself. In any case, I think something needs to change in me before I return to London.
Caveboy, we chatted:)
S, I think missing the train just added to the way I was feeling. . . if that hadn't happened, I would have felt slightly better, but not too much.
I realize my post may have been more negative than I intended. I had many great times on my trip and still love London and still want to return and even live there. . .just not yet.
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