I know I've sadly neglected this blog (and haven't read any others in ages -- will remedy that soon!).
I'm still recovering from my trip that was good, bad, confusing, guilt-ridden, joyful, tense, scary, exhilarating, tearful, fun, restful and exhausting (physically and emotionally), all rolled into one.
Can a simple change of scene bring about a drastic change in personality? I can count the number of times I've cried or yelled at someone since I moved to Tokyo on one hand (in fact I don't think I've yelled at anybody. . . I just stew inside). But when I was in Sri Lanka, I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself. . . I'd be talking about something, get slightly emotional, and the waterworks would start (I cry when I'm really angry which is very frustrating). I yelled and screamed, threw tantrums, swore and acted like a diva.
I had a great deal of control over how this trip went, and how much my parents and I enjoyed my stay there -- but I just felt like a puppet in the hands of an evil version of myself. I tried to explain to my parents why I am just a Christian and not a Catholic like them or any particular denomination, but I was constantly conscious of how unChristian my behaviour was. I tried to point out to them how wrong some of their attitudes towards their lives were, but felt completely unqualified when my outlook didn't seem any better.
I'm back in Tokyo now, feeling stragely detached, as if I'm remembering someone else's memories, and devoid of emotions, as if I used up all my quota during my trip, and now have none left over. And I'm wondering who I really am . . . the person I was on this trip or the relatively nice, relatively cheerful person I seem to be here?
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7 comments:
Ugh. And thank you. I think I feel what you're talking about. (I cry when I'm angry, too.) I hate that you had to go through this/feel this way, but it's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one who is/wants to be a Christian and struggles so hard to live up to it.
Traveling often undoes me too. But then sometimes we really need the undoing, because it holds a great gift (despite the pain).
It's possible that being back home among family and familiar surroundings was emotionally overwhelming on some level. I don't know how long it has been since you left to go off on your own, but returning at a different age, with a different mental outlook can be confusing, especially if those things that brought you comfort and security when you were younger seem different to you now. Sounds like you're doing all right now that you're back out on your own again.
awww nixotic(a).
sounds like a rough trip. just be your usual kind and generous self, yaar. No more nataak and tamasha, OK? :-)
Happy 2008. Cav'
I find I usually am my worse around my family, because they are who I care about the most and I want to be closer to them, but get easily disappointed. I also seem to be at my worse because I am not fearing rejection like I am from others. In the back of my mind I still know that they will love me, which is sometimes a downfall. When I got done arguing with my family when Bryce was visitng (before we were married) I said "I only do this with the people I love the most, can't you wait until your my husband." the good thing you are aware of it and not oblivious to how your message may not be received well because of your behavior. God forgives and works in strange ways.
Sympathy.
But now you're back in Tokyo.... slightly changed?
Just stopping in to say hi. That's allowed, yes?
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